“The Courage to Be Disliked” is a bestseller written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Kuma. Both Japanese authors draw on the ideology of Alfred Adler through Adlerian psychology.
I read “The Courage to Be Disliked” whilst I was still in high school. It was quite confronting yet eye-opening. This article will discuss the 11 best quotes that made me stop and think. I had never stopped and thought about these ideologies discussed in the book. I related to the character known as the “student” and the dialogue between the professors.
11 Impactful “The Courage to be Disliked” Quotes
“If one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear.”
Kishimi and Koga delve deeper into the topic of interpersonal relationships. They state that all problems in the universe would disappear if one was all alone. They explain that everything people do is for others and if you’re left alone in this universe, there would be no problems. It’s quite a substantial take that is based on Adlerian psychology.
“Freedom is being Disliked by other people”
This quote nicely ties in with the title of the book, “The Courage to Be Disliked”. It’s a message that the author tries to bestow upon the reader. Being disliked by people is true freedom as you don’t need to chase the approval of others or try and conform to others to impress them and fit in. Instead, freedom is showing your traits without conforming to society.
“We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining”
It’s argued through the book that any meaning that an experience creates is determined by the person. To break it down, If you lost a person that you loved in your life, you can see that as a gut-wrenching and traumatic experience. This may lead you to close off everyone in your life and keep to yourself.
On the other hand, you could view this as an experience to spend more time with your loved ones and prioritize that instead of wasting it with others. Although there may be disheartening and traumatic experiences in life, it’s how you determine their impact on you that is in your control.
“Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others”
Another simple yet meaningful message that is conveyed throughout the book. Alfred Adler developed individual psychology which states that humans have an innate desire to achieve superiority. We are social creatures trying to fit in with society to achieve this goal. However, we end up developing an inferiority complex when we keep comparing ourselves trying to satisfy the expectations of others.
“Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.“
The authors state that nothing is inherently set in stone when it comes to a person’s life. Every decision that we make is a vote on who we want to become and we deal with the repercussions. We can decide to live a life for ourselves and partake in actions that are beneficial for us individually. On the other hand, we can choose to follow the lead of others, do what others say and lose our sense of individuality. This life is one that we develop over time, the character we are, the food we eat, the people we surround ourselves with. Everything is a choice that’s made by us, whether we realize it or not.
“The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment.“
This goes hand in hand with the previous quote. We all make our own choices and regardless of what we are born with, we can choose what we want and go full swing at it. Whether you have goals you want to achieve or things you want to conquer. This point is argued heavily by Kishimi and Kuma and I believe they are on the right point but I believe it can be difficult for others who face difficult situations in childhood. Although you do make your own decisions and you choose the outcome of an action you take, it can be harder for some compared to others.
“Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges.‘
You learn from your mistakes and experiences. If children are not taught to face challenges, hardships and roadblocks in life, they will opt to take the easy way out. That’s to avoid these hardships, which may be comfortable and easier in the short term, but its long-term effects on their character and development are substantial. To learn and grow as a person, one must face these obstacles head-on to develop themselves.
“If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you?”
The teachings of Adlerian psychology focus heavily on the inferiority complex. This is to say that people tend to try to compensate for feeling inferior to others whether that be through physical appearance, status or monetary. When people have this inferiority complex they tend to lead a life that competes with others and try to mimic and copy those that they deem superior. This leads to people not living the lives they desire, instead they conform and do what others are doing. This is to say that we need to live according to our own values and morals.
“One needs to think not ‘What will this person give me?’ but, rather, ‘What can I give to this person?’ That is commitment to the community.”
Giving is an exceptional attribute. When you give away to others, you connect with them and have their best interest in mind. Many people assume that when you give something, it has to be monetary or physical. But there’s much more you can give such as your time, teachings and advice to name a few.
“People can change at any time, regardless of the environments they are in. You are only unable to change because you are making the decision not to.”
Everyone has a unique backstory. We all grew up in different households, different cultures and environments. Many of us let that decide our future and outcomes in life. Although some people are less privileged than others, they can choose to let that affect them. They decide whether their environment matters or whether they’re going to do something about it. You can make drastic changes in life if you want, but it all starts with you.
“To get rid of one’s problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone.”
This point is reiterated and explained to the student throughout the book. The authors state that all problems in this universe are interpersonal relationship problems. If you were the last person left in this universe, would it matter what car you drove? What house you lived in? How much money you had? What you wear on your date? None of that matters, all problems are interpersonal, meaning that if others were not involved, there would be no problem.
Although I do understand their argument, I still believe there are many problems unrelated to that which would still arise, such as being sick or unwell. But the main gist of the quote is to say that if there was no one else left, there would be no more problems.
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